Dear Reader,

What makes you want to crash out?

It’s a momentary break in composure. The tiniest fracture in the polished, curated version of your life that wanders off into a dangerous thought, the spark that lights a tinderbox of frustration. And now it’s irreversible. The vibe has shifted. You’re ready to burn it down.

Maybe it’s a “ghost” or a past era you can’t let go of. Someone (or something) who slipped through the cracks of your history and they’re too far gone now anyway. All the burned bridges and archived posts that sit heavy in the back of your mind. You catch yourself lurking on their timeline, bright and beautiful. And it’s almost like it’s real. What must they all think of you?

Sometimes the urge is loud. Isn’t it mystifying how quickly we waver between total control and absolute chaos? One moment your life looks like a masterpiece you’ve masterminded flawlessly. The next, the fog has descended. Suddenly you’re staring at a drafted message that could ruin your entire week, your finger hovering over ‘send.’ You laugh into the mirror with a red wine snarl. You look positively deranged.

Why do you pull these cards? Maybe you lie awake in the aftershock of a public mistake. The heavy, exhausting composure it takes to hold it all together until you get to the car. The sudden realization of how solitary, how alone you really are, no matter how high your numbers climb. The spotlight just makes it hotter.

Some midnights, you’re buzzing with electric current like an adventurer in pursuit of a new aesthetic. You’re plotting the perfect rebrand, the immaculate comeback. Something to make you feel shiny and bejeweled again. On these nights, you know that there are facets of you that only glow when the old version of you dies.

Maybe you were trying to mastermind matters of the heart again. You’ve gotten lost in the rabbit hole of your own head where the fear wraps its claws around the fragile throat of a real Meaningful connection. You signed an arrangement based on optics, and now you’re wondering if you’ll be able to save it in time. Save it from who? Well, it’s obvious. From you.

We lie awake in fear and in turmoil and in the unrelenting velocity of the feed. We stare at screens and drink until they speak back. We twist in our self made narratives and pray that we aren’t about to make some fateful, life altering mistake. This deck is a collection of truths written for the moments before you lose your mind. A journey through the meticulously planned eras and the spectacular, unhinged meltdowns. For all of us who have tossed and turned, weighed the scales, and decided to light the match anyway. Hoping that just maybe, when the smoke clears we’ll meet ourselves.

The cards are on the table.

Let the crash out begin.

-XO XO GG

(not the “he” you’re thinking about).

So a month has gone by….Yeah, oops.

so what exactly has happened since late feb? well there was a mercury rx hence the hiatus.

(there was also pokopia which is probably more to blame then mercury rx.)

anyway moving right along.

(is not weird to read a post that sounds exactly like my train of thought. probably is.)

but. biggest update is that the deck of cards is (nearly) complete. (not as of writing this… it just needs touchups and what not)

anyway, there will be an official post for the minor arcana.

the direction of this is still TBD but something will come of it. lord, knows one has to have a hobby during “trying” times.

until then stream WRO$t GIRL iN AMERICA.

“Dear reader
If it feels like a trap, you’re already in one
Dear reader
Get out your map, pick somewhere and just run
Dear reader
Burn all the files, desert all your past lives
And if you don’t recognize yourself
That means you did it right“-T.S

Long story short, it was a midnight… and I’m still shuffling

(more to Come….)

I couldn’t help but wonder… are we actually in control of our devices, or are they just buzzing us into a corner? Or, perhaps even worse… What happens when the buzzing stops altogether?

Usually the issue that people complain about is being notified too much but what about when the exact opposite happens. What happens when it no longer lets you know anything? When it doesn’t notify you about anything at all? 

You find yourself caught in a different kind of trap. You’re not being chased but you are being ghosted. For something that seemed to never shut the fuck up it certainly is completely quiet now. It’s like being in some fucked up abusive relationship where you just keep coming back for more but there isn’t anything there anymore. The only thing that is left is just silence. 

And in that silence, I realized that I actually hated this stupid fucking phone. Nothing about it made me want to stick around. Instead I was looking back at other phones that I had before reminiscing about what I missed from them. Although while they weren’t perfect they weren’t a complete mess at least then I knew what was going on. While this is such a minimal problem to have a truly a “first world” kind of problem it is still my problem.

I can only sit in a quiet room for so long before I realize I’m the only one still trying to have a conversation. I have decided to stop waiting for a “spark” that is clearly gone. It was time to break up with this stupid phone and simply walk out. I’m not just personally annoyed but I feel like my lack of presence and not responding to people is just as annoying for them.

-XoXo Gossip Girl.

I couldn’t help but wonder if I was starting my own Carrie Bradshaw arc (except, like, not?). The premise is mostly based on the fact that here we are in this blog (but also forum?).

This whole thing has been a ‘Crash Out’ a pipe dream I’ve had since around 2009. I obviously wasn’t able to pull it off back then (far too young to have access to adult money), so this has certainly been quite the experience. one I didn’t necessarily plan on having.

Anyway, let’s talk about what this whole thing is exactly… to which I have no idea, honestly. The idea was simply to make space. to create an outlet outside the scope of current social media and return to something more basic and free. I wanted a place that isn’t trying to sell or peddle anything, and isn’t constrained by censorship. A place private (in a sense) from prying eyes that seek to push a specific narrative. I think the founding ethos here is simply freedom.

So, why do this? Well, why not? If this turns out to be nothing, then at least an attempt was made, right? The times are ripe for making the seemingly impossible possible. I’ve come to understand that most limitations are self imposed and since those no longer exist, why not just set out and create?

To cap things off, this has moved from the concept of an idea to a somewhat working version of one. There are still plenty of things left to do (and fix). The ambition is pretty high but then again when isn’t it? And why shouldn’t it be?

-xoXo Gossip Girl